


Running from the Devil

by Nynaeve



Category: Stargate Universe
Genre: Angst, Drama, Early in Canon, F/M, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-09
Updated: 2010-05-09
Packaged: 2017-10-15 00:36:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/155246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nynaeve/pseuds/Nynaeve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on how TJ and Young ended up together on Icarus and why she felt like she needed to leave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Running from the Devil

**Author's Note:**

> _I don't ship TJ/Young, but I'm fascinated by their chemistry and dynamic. No doubt as SGU unfolds we'll find my story no longer in canon, but this is one interpretation of how they might have ended up in bed together._

The air was dry and it sucked the moisture off of her lithe body as she ran in the shallow sand.  Most of the personnel preferred running on base, but Tamara treasured the solitude.  Her mouth felt like cotton but as her iPod throbbed in her ears, her only reality was her feet, her legs, and the exquisite pain as she pushed herself forward.  She was so lost in her zone she almost missed him, sitting alone on a rock staring out at the vast expanse to the mountains in the distance.  Colonel Young was an enigma to her - a strong commander but a lonesome man.  She had noticed at their initial meeting that he wore a plain gold band but there were no pictures on his desk.  He insisted everyone make time to call home but she never saw his name on the call schedule.  At first she thought that perhaps he wanted everyone else to get their time, commanders could be like that, but one night she caught him standing in the hall looking forlornly at the phone room and when she asked if he were going to make a call he just waved his hand and remarked that there was no one on Earth who wanted to talk with him.  Ever since then she'd tried to say hi to him when they passed. 

Slowing her pace, she was walking by the time she was close to him.  She removed her earbuds and he turned as her footsteps gave her away.

"TJ.  See you had the same idea I did," he commented before turning back.  Her breathing heavy, she nodded in acknowledgment and leaned against the rock next to him.  "Peaceful out here.  No one trying to bug me for more chocolate bars."

"Chocolate bars, sir?" 

He glanced at her with a wry grin.  "One of the scientists on the team insists that good chocolate helps his thinking process.  Secretly I think he likes a certain raven-haired sergeant." 

"Colletti does lament the lack of chocolate on a regular basis," Tamara agreed, returning his smile.  "Well I promise not to bug you for chocolate."  She put her hands on her knees as her breathing started to even out.  "Irritating requisition requests your only reason for being out here?"

Young shrugged.  "Clear my head I suppose and a chance to marvel that I'm on another planet.  On base it feels like I'm on Earth..."  He trailed off and the expression on his face told her he didn't like where his thoughts were going.  "Anyway, figure I should take it in while I have the chance."

"When they gave me this assignment I definitely thought it was worth putting off med school.  My mom thought I was crazy but then she didn't know I was going across the galaxy.  'Course Mom thought I was crazy for wanting to go to med school."  Now _her_ thoughts were going places she didn't like.  "I guess it's the military.  With all the 9/11 stuff everyone gave me hell about wanting to join."

"Leave anyone special behind?" he asked.  That's when she noticed he wasn't wearing the gold band that declared his status.  Her cheeks would have flushed if they weren't already so from her run and it left an awkward beat between them.  "Sorry, just making conversation.  I was never really good at it."

"No, it's okay sir.  And no, I didn't leave anyone behind."

"Wouldn't understand anyway," he muttered with a sigh.  "I think half of the guys I've served with over the years are divorced." 

Tamara didn't say anything.  He seemed as though he had gotten lost in his own world.  A hot breeze kicked up some dirt and she coughed a little and tried to shield her eyes from the rough granules.  They sat in silence for a few minutes before he pushed himself up off the rock.

"I'd better get back.  Thanks for the chat," he told her and the spark in his eyes expressed his sincerity. 

As Colonel Young started to walk away she called out.  "Sir!"  Pausing he looked back and she gave him a sheepish twist of her mouth.  "You know, if you need someone to talk to, I'm a pretty good listener."

He cocked his head and regarded her for a moment.  "I appreciate that Lieutenant.  I'll keep that in mind." 

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

She started joining him at meal times whenever their shifts coincided.  He had a table in the back corner that he often used and when she first made her appearance he seemed a bit surprised but hadn't made her feel unwelcome.  In the beginning Young kept his answers to her questions about his career short but her laughter at his jokes and her sympathy at his losses encouraged him to tell stories in more detail.

"So all we'd had for weeks was this god-awful food and finally Colonel Marks insisted that he needed a steak.  We were supposed to use the van for our trip out and back - no stops in between, but you know, he's the commander so whatever he says we do and I sure as hell wasn't going to turn down a steak dinner.  We stop at this Ruby Tuesday's and we had _just_ sat down to eat when we hear someone start hollering.  So Marks sends me to go see what the ruckus is about and I see everyone staring out the window at this billowing cloud of smoke.  Turns out it's our _van_!"

"You're kidding?" she said as she found herself almost choking on a green bean. 

"Oh trust me, this was no joke.  I run back and grab the Colonel and as we watching our ride home burn a guy walks up and comments on it.  Marks responds 'Eh, it's taxpayer dollars.'  Guess what was in Las Vegas Sun the next morning?  I mean what are the odds that he would end up with a reporter?"  His grin was playful and boyish, a significant contrast to the somber, melancholy man she often saw meandering around the base. 

TJ swallowed her food and motioned with her fork.  "What happened to him?"

"Well his commander was normally a soft spoken guy... I wish I could remember his name... anyway, we heard a lot of yelling from his office the next day.  Marks was an overall decent officer and whatever else he got as punishment, I don't know.  I was just a Lieutenant at the time."

"I can't believe the van burned like that.  I can honestly say I don't have any stories like that."

"Give it a few years.  With your brain I can't imagine that you won't end up with stories way more interesting than mine," he complimented and his smile only widened when she blushed. 

"I don't think your stories are boring, sir," she argued, her voice softer.  How could she not have noticed how ruggedly good looking he was?  Something flickered in Young's eyes and she wondered if it had gotten warmer or if it was just her.  A tense silence fell between them.

"Sorry... sorry, it's just..." he stuttered uncomfortably.  "You're a fine officer, TJ.  You have a lot to offer and I know I'm really glad you're here." 

"Thank you... sir," she tagged on quickly.  "I, uh, I need to go write up a report..."

"Yeah, I'll see you later," he answered, clearing his throat and focusing on his food.

"Later."  And suddenly she felt like she needed to run.

o-o-o-o-o-o

For three days she avoided the commissary during meal time, choosing instead to sneak in and sneak out with a sandwich or something equally as portable.  Now as she jogged, trying to sort through the myriad of feelings inside her head, she wished she had at least had a hot breakfast.  Corn flakes just didn't hold up well for fuel.  This time when she saw Colonel Young, there was no way for her to miss him.  He was leaning on the rock looking right at her and with her sunglasses he probably didn't realize that she had caught him eying her with something akin to longing. 

"Sir," she commented breathlessly as she neared him.  He shifted his weight and let his eyes go to the mountains momentarily. 

"I wanted to check in, just to see how you were doing." 

"Oh.  Fine.  Busy."

"Ah.  Dr. Simms told me someone brought the flu back with them from their last trip home.  I can see how that would keep you occupied although you shouldn't miss meals over it," he chided but his tone was friendly.

"I've been eating," she retorted defensively. 

"I know."

The intensity of his gaze made her inhale deeply.  "Keeping tabs on me, sir?"

"It's my job to watch out for those under my command," he explained but she knew that it was an excuse.  Young walked towards her and tentatively put a hand on her bare arm.  She shivered at his touch and internally Tamara heard the warning bells go off, but the sorrow in his brown eyes made her stay. 

She swallowed.  "I've... I watch you too.  Worry about you."  A breeze tickled her skin and she didn't know how but they ended up barely an inch apart.  A step forward, a little push and she could... The sound of an F-302 shot through the air making them both jump and breaking the contact.  Once her heart had stopped pounding (whether a result of the sudden fly-by or the proximity of a forbidden man, she couldn't tell) she stepped back, out of his reach.  Guilt, lust, respect, confusion flowed between them like invisible threads weaving a complex and indecipherable pattern.  So she ran and didn't slow down until he was a speck behind her.

o-o-o-o-o

Avoiding him tore her apart so she stopped.  The meals became more professional and his answers succinct which both made her feel a sense of loss and relief at the same time.  The base was quiet in the early hours of the morning and when Tamara found herself awake a full three hours before her alarm, she decided a short walk would probably help.  As she strolled by the gym she caught sight of Colonel Young pounding away with fury on a punching bag.  She debated whether to keep going or to stop in but her decision was made when he paused his movements and met her eyes.  Tentatively she stepped into the room.

"I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd take a walk," she explained lamely but he just nodded.

"Too damn quiet.  I keep waiting for something to happen but... I mean no one knows we're here but I can't shake this feeling," he confessed wiping his brow with a towel that had been lying on a nearby bench.  He sat down and she took a seat next to him.

"Is that why you're upset?"

He looked at her with surprise.  "Upset?  No.  Just frustrated.  This is a hard assignment for me."

"Oh." 

Young took a deep drink of his water and Tamara fidgeted unsure as to what to say.  They both studied the floor, then the walls, while he idly continued to mop sweat up from his neck and face. 

"My wife practically begged me not to do this assignment," he started hesitantly.  "We got married and we were broke so I enlisted.  Went to college and got a degree in psychology, became an officer... I don't think she thought I'd be a lifer but once I got the taste of combat I didn't want to leave.  She wanted me to retire and I would have if they'd thrown me behind a desk but this, TJ, this is like a dream come true.  I may not understand half of what comes out of Rush's mouth but I know it's important."

Gingerly she placed a hand on his muscular forearm and gave it a reassuring squeeze.  "Me too."

"She said she'd leave me.  I believe her.  I have no one to go home to anymore," he whispered hoarsely.  Young closed his eyes and she let herself lean against him.  His emptiness was a vacuum and she found herself wishing she could alleviate his ache.  Not knowing what else to do she just willed her sympathy to reach him through the contact of their skin. 

"Every time I call home I end up in an argument," she revealed.  "I've just stopped calling."

"You miss it?"

There was a sweet quiet as she considered her response.  "Not today." 

He moved to cover her hand with his and she could sense his pleasure.  "Good."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

In addition to their meals together they had started to "accidentally" run into each other at odd hours of the night in the gym.  Sometimes they wouldn't talk, she would run on the treadmill and he would beat the hell out of the punching bag.  Other nights they spoke as they lifted weights although Young never mentioned his wife again.  He expressed his tension with the civilians and how he was concerned as to whether they would be able to handle themselves in the event of an invasion or not.  She worried that she would have to save someone's life and fail.  She found out about his nightmares and he reluctantly opened up about how the deaths of fellow soldiers still made him mourn. 

If she were honest, however, she had to admit that her favorite times were when they sparred.  Tamara felt strangely comforted by his touch which was rare and something to which they both seemed ultra-sensitive.  More than once, when beads of sweat trickled from her neck to between her breasts, she had seen the heat in his eyes as he watched it.  He tried to be subtle but he wasn't very good at hiding how he felt, at least not from her. 

Tonight (or early morning depending on one's perspective) they were dancing again.  Punch, block, kick, block - it felt choreographed and they moved fluidly, skin hitting skin.  He was definitely far more experienced but she was learning how he operated and so there were a few times she caught him off-guard.  Young recovered well and when she attempted to block him, he used her own motion against her and they toppled together to the floor, his body firmly pressing her against the mat.  Her chest heaved and she felt a stirring in her belly as she realized she could smell him.  He was musky, salty and spicy and not but an inch from her lips which she knew had become full in betrayal to her body's reaction to him. 

"TJ," he breathed, but he didn't move.  "You're beautiful."

She kissed him, open mouthed and fevered.  He tasted the way he smelled and it made her hungry.  With equal fervor he returned her passion but stopped abruptly.  "No.  No, we can't do this," he said, his voice ragged.  With an inhuman amount of will he pushed himself back and it only made her want to groan in frustration at the sight of his clothed arousal.  Tamara felt like an animal and on one hand she hated herself but the voice in her mind reminded her that she was utterly alone with no one who cared about her.  No one but him.  By the time she got her bearings he was gone and she found herself sitting on the bench wondering who the hell she was becoming.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"You don't know a damn thing about what's going on!" 

Tamara heard his shouting as she walked by his closed office door. 

"Don't give me that shit," she heard Colonel Telford growl back. 

"You'd better watch yourself."

"Fuck you."

The door swung open and made her jump three feet backwards.  The F-302 commander didn't even spare her a glance as he stormed out and she peered nervously into the office.  Young was sitting at his desk with his head in his hands, rubbing his temples.

"Sir?"

He looked up and gave her a weak smile.  "TJ... I suppose we should... I mean about the other night..."  Tamara hastily shut the door behind her. 

"I'm not going to say anything if that's what you're worried about," she promised him, her voice sure and strong.  "It wasn't unwanted."

"Lieutenant, you do know what you're saying, don't you?" he asked slowly as he put his hands on his desk.  "You know it can't go anywhere and we still have to work together.  Now, I can get you transferred back if it's going to cause problems."

Panic shot through her like fire.  "I want to be here, sir.  Please don't send me home," she pleaded.  They eyed each other, each trying to decide what to do next.  "It's natural for two people to be attracted to each other when they share certain intimate details of their lives.  Out here we don't have a lot of people to turn to, especially you, sir.  I understand why it happened and I'm okay with it."

"All right.  Then that's that," he replied.  "My door is still open if you need to talk and we can leave the door really open if need be."

"Thank you."

Young looked like he wanted to say more but instead motioned that she was dismissed.  A sense of peace had washed over her and she felt lighter as she headed to get food.  She ended up sitting at a table with Lieutenant James with whom she'd had a few casual conversations. 

"Scott has a nice ass," James commented, her dark eyes fixed squarely behind Tamara.  "Don't you think so?"

"I hadn't noticed," she answered with a shrug.  "Besides, I think he's too wrapped up in himself to notice anyone else."

"Hm, well, I still think he has a nice ass," the dark-haired woman retorted stabbing at a piece of meat.  "I wish we'd get better food.  Maybe you should ask Colonel Young for steaks."

Tamara's face colored.  "Excuse me?"

Her companion rolled her eyes.  "Oh please, we all know you're his favorite person on base.  You eat with him all the time!"

"That doesn't mean he listens to me.  I just felt sorry for him that's all and plus, I wanted to learn some things."  The fear that had subsided returned.  What if someone had witnessed their display in the gym?  The security tapes... she shook her head.  The tapes were only reviewed if there was an incident, she reminded herself. 

"You have a crush on him don't you?" James prodded with a teasing smile.  "You have a schoolgirl crush on the teacher!"

Her stomach lurched and suddenly her appetite disappeared.  "I just remembered that Dr. Simms needed me to check some lab results.  Thanks for lunch."  Trying to remain as calm as possible she took measured steps to deposit her tray before leaving.  The last thing she needed was to be fodder for the gossip, but it was a small base and she resolved that she would be more cautious in the future. 

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Her eyes stung as she collapsed onto her chair in the phone room.  After two weeks of not talking with Colonel Young she made another attempt to talk to her mom.  Tamara had tried desperately to share how lonely she felt but her mom just told her that she was a strong girl and she would be able to take care of herself; Masking the waver in her voice she had tersely said goodbye and as soon as she hung up the phone, the tears began.  She wanted to go home and have her mom do her laundry and cook her a decent meal.  She wanted to stay and earn the respect she knew she was capable of.  She wanted to sit there and cry forever.  A rap at the door startled her and she saw one of the civilians, Doctor... damn, she knew it started with an "F".  Wiping her eyes she gave him a brief nod before hurrying down the corridor.  Without even thinking she found herself in front of Colonel Young's quarters.

Whether a blessing or a curse, she didn't know, but he opened the door before she raised a hand to knock and when he saw her stricken face he ushered her in and closed the door behind him.

"What happened?" he urged gently as he sat her down on his couch - a luxury no doubt only afforded to the higher ranking officers as she only had a desk, chair, and a single bed. 

"I can't do this.  I can't be here," she sniffled trying to fight the torrent.  "I should go home."

Tenderly he brushed a piece of hair away from her face.  "Shh," he soothed.  "You _can_ do this.  You're stronger than you think."  Tamara let herself enjoy his caress and when she dared to meet his eyes she saw the desire and the way his lips parted as he seemed to be remembering their one and only embrace.  She found herself needing him and from the way he began to lean in towards her, she knew he needed her as well.  His fingers threaded themselves in her locks and pressed her lips firmly against his.  They reveled in the sensation of tasting and it was only seconds later that she was on her back, his body between her legs, grinding and stroking in a way that caused her to release a throaty moan.  There was fumbling with the clasps of their clothing, t-shirts pulled over heads, and soon he was _in_ her.  Gasps and sighs, pleading from her own lips for him to keep doing exactly what he was doing, and gutteral grunts as he thrust, filled the room.  She threw her head back, she was so damn close, but before she could jump over the edge he began to erratically pump before he stilled, barely holding himself above her with his arms. 

"Did you?" he panted and she shook her head.  Slipping out of her, he replaced his length with his fingers and she moved against his hand until she found the edge again and when she jumped she let out a groan and fell limply against the lumpy couch cushions.  Young very carefully stood up and pulled her towards the bed just a few feet away.  Tamara felt like she should say something but her mouth was parched and her body exhausted, so she let him entangle himself with her and they both fell asleep. 

When she woke she caught him sitting on the couch where they had... it wasn't making love she couldn't call it that.  It had been raw and desperate for both of them.  Fucking seemed too crude, there had been some affection in it, she was sure.  Young was dressed and leaning on his knees watching her.  Guilt oozed from every pore.

"I'm so sorry TJ," he whispered.  "I am so, so sorry."

"Don't apologize," she commanded, her voice surprisingly firm.  "I don't regret it."

He exhaled and averted his gaze.  "I do."

"Oh."  Her confidence faded quickly. 

"What we did could ruin your future."

She didn't say anything for a long time but when she spoke, she let her words come from her heart.  "I care about you."

"We can't be together."

"I know."

Rubbing his hand through his hair he stood up.  "I have a briefing in twenty minutes.  Take your time."

"No one will see me," she shot at him and he cringed but left without responding.  Rolling over she let the tears she had been holding in fall.  She could smell his scent on the pillow and she held it tighter.  Letting herself feel the agony and the punch to her gut she poured her soul into where she lay and wondered if she would ever be able to face herself in the mirror again.  Cleaning herself up, Tamara didn't even look behind her as she left.  She knew what she had to do; what she did best it seemed.  She had to run.


End file.
